Catching them in the Act
My Grandmother died in the spring of 2003 and I still miss her . I've had dreams about her and I've always felt that she visits in those dreams. I'm a big fan of shows like Medium and Ghost Whisperer and fantasize about having the ability to see people who have passed away.
The last thing my grandmother ever did was hold Tali when she was almost 6 months old. My grandfather, the love of her life for over 60 years had left us 3 years earlier and she missed him terribly and desperately wanted to be with him. The only things holding her back were meeting my nephew Elijah, who was born three months before Tali , and then meeting Tali.
It was a Wednesday afternoon and NaNa and her caregiver Sia were with Tali while I taught Religious School. Often when I came to pick her up I would linger for a few hours, spending time with NaNa and Sia, and basking in the glow of my daughter's great-grandmother holding her. NaNa called her "Dolly" because she really was like a little doll at that age. While NaNa was quite depressed she seemed completely content when she was looking in to Tali's eyes. It was as if Tali knew she needed comforting.
On that particular Wednesday NaNa was holding her and all of the sudden said, "You better take the baby, I don't feel very well." She handed Tali over to me and then asked for Sia to come and take her to lie down. Sia walked over and immediately noticed that something was wrong. NaNa's arms and legs started flailing, and then she collapsed on the couch.
I called 911 and a kind group of fire fighters and paramedics came to the house. They were speaking loudly to her saying, "Ethel, can you hear me?"
"There's nothing wrong with her hearing you idiots! Just because she's old doesn't mean she's deaf," I wanted to shout at them, but kept silent.
They asked her how old she was and she told them. Those were her last words she ever spoke. They took her to the hospital and while her heart kept beating through the help of machines, she never came back to us. We all knew she had done everything she wanted to do and decided it was time to go and be with PaPa. Somehow I felt as though my young daughter had helped NaNa exit this world.
For several days after, I felt NaNa's presence in her house and I was sure Tali could see her. I would notice her looking over my shoulder and smiling. When I'd turn to see what she was staring at there was nothing there.
I look back on that day as the first time Tali acted as a mensch. There is no good translation for the Yiddish word. At best it is a person who does good deeds and nice things not when they have to or need to, but just because it's the right thing to do.
Tali has always known who needed the love the most. When my in-laws were alive, Tali knew they needed her. She would shower Richard's Mom ("Papa Sally") with such warmth that one would have thought she saw her every day and knew her quite well. In fact she only saw her about once every two months. Towards the end of my father-in-law's life ("Papa Buddy") all he did when he came over was sleep in our lazy boy chair while activity went on around him. On his last visit Tali went over to the chair and said, "Papa Buddy's sleeping," and rubbed his feet. He didn't smile about much in those days, but he smiled at that. After he died Richard's cousin told me that in the end the only thing he smiled about was Tali and Charlie.
A girlfriend of mine had just separated from her husband and was coming over for some "Tali and Charlie cheering up." Having no idea what was going on, when my friend walked in and sat down Tali immediately jumped in to her arms for a snuggle.
Recently I took Tali to visit my great aunt who lives in a home in the east bay. Tali had met her before when Charlie was born, but had no recollection of it. I didn't expect my aunt, who has quite a bit of memory loss- to remember meeting Tali either. When we walked in to her room Tali hugged her immediately and the two were fast friends sitting down and reading books together and chatting about all of the adventures in the life of a six year old. When we were joined by another "aunt" who had been my grandmother's best friend, Tali gave her the same reception. While I'm quite sure neither woman would remember that visit the next day, for the time they were with Tali they were happy and full of sunshine.
The struggle I often have with Tali is that she is so good at reading people and knowing what they need that I am surprised when her mean streak comes out. I have learned from motherhood that we can't have ying without yang, or a bottom without a top, or a front without a back. Just as Tali knows what people need, she also knows what will push everyone's buttons. While her kindergarten teacher told me last year that this is a sign of intelligence and social maturity, she agreed that we need to teach Tali to "use her powers for good and not evil."
Thankfully I have seen her use her powers for good in all the mitzvot (good deeds/commandments) she performs with people who need her love and attention. Lately she's even been giving it to her brother. When he gets hurt she hugs him and often runs to get me the ice pack or the band-aide. Looking back I realize she's been doing it for a while. When he was still in the crib I found her sleeping in there with him one night. I moved her back to her bed and the next morning asked her what she was doing in there. "Well Charlie wouldn't stop crying because he missed you. So I climbed in his crib and then he stopped so I just went to sleep."
I am learning that I need to "catch" Tali being a mensch. I am so quick to point out to her when she's done something wrong that many moments of doing something right pass by. I am so proud of her when she is kind to others and I know she is proud of herself when I notice it. It comes naturally to her, which is perhaps why she isn't aware of it as a special gift. Maybe she was given this gift by a higher power, but Richard and I as her parents, have the power to nurture it and help her grow to reach her full potential as a mensch.
The last thing my grandmother ever did was hold Tali when she was almost 6 months old. My grandfather, the love of her life for over 60 years had left us 3 years earlier and she missed him terribly and desperately wanted to be with him. The only things holding her back were meeting my nephew Elijah, who was born three months before Tali , and then meeting Tali.
It was a Wednesday afternoon and NaNa and her caregiver Sia were with Tali while I taught Religious School. Often when I came to pick her up I would linger for a few hours, spending time with NaNa and Sia, and basking in the glow of my daughter's great-grandmother holding her. NaNa called her "Dolly" because she really was like a little doll at that age. While NaNa was quite depressed she seemed completely content when she was looking in to Tali's eyes. It was as if Tali knew she needed comforting.
On that particular Wednesday NaNa was holding her and all of the sudden said, "You better take the baby, I don't feel very well." She handed Tali over to me and then asked for Sia to come and take her to lie down. Sia walked over and immediately noticed that something was wrong. NaNa's arms and legs started flailing, and then she collapsed on the couch.
I called 911 and a kind group of fire fighters and paramedics came to the house. They were speaking loudly to her saying, "Ethel, can you hear me?"
"There's nothing wrong with her hearing you idiots! Just because she's old doesn't mean she's deaf," I wanted to shout at them, but kept silent.
They asked her how old she was and she told them. Those were her last words she ever spoke. They took her to the hospital and while her heart kept beating through the help of machines, she never came back to us. We all knew she had done everything she wanted to do and decided it was time to go and be with PaPa. Somehow I felt as though my young daughter had helped NaNa exit this world.
For several days after, I felt NaNa's presence in her house and I was sure Tali could see her. I would notice her looking over my shoulder and smiling. When I'd turn to see what she was staring at there was nothing there.
I look back on that day as the first time Tali acted as a mensch. There is no good translation for the Yiddish word. At best it is a person who does good deeds and nice things not when they have to or need to, but just because it's the right thing to do.
Tali has always known who needed the love the most. When my in-laws were alive, Tali knew they needed her. She would shower Richard's Mom ("Papa Sally") with such warmth that one would have thought she saw her every day and knew her quite well. In fact she only saw her about once every two months. Towards the end of my father-in-law's life ("Papa Buddy") all he did when he came over was sleep in our lazy boy chair while activity went on around him. On his last visit Tali went over to the chair and said, "Papa Buddy's sleeping," and rubbed his feet. He didn't smile about much in those days, but he smiled at that. After he died Richard's cousin told me that in the end the only thing he smiled about was Tali and Charlie.
A girlfriend of mine had just separated from her husband and was coming over for some "Tali and Charlie cheering up." Having no idea what was going on, when my friend walked in and sat down Tali immediately jumped in to her arms for a snuggle.
Recently I took Tali to visit my great aunt who lives in a home in the east bay. Tali had met her before when Charlie was born, but had no recollection of it. I didn't expect my aunt, who has quite a bit of memory loss- to remember meeting Tali either. When we walked in to her room Tali hugged her immediately and the two were fast friends sitting down and reading books together and chatting about all of the adventures in the life of a six year old. When we were joined by another "aunt" who had been my grandmother's best friend, Tali gave her the same reception. While I'm quite sure neither woman would remember that visit the next day, for the time they were with Tali they were happy and full of sunshine.
The struggle I often have with Tali is that she is so good at reading people and knowing what they need that I am surprised when her mean streak comes out. I have learned from motherhood that we can't have ying without yang, or a bottom without a top, or a front without a back. Just as Tali knows what people need, she also knows what will push everyone's buttons. While her kindergarten teacher told me last year that this is a sign of intelligence and social maturity, she agreed that we need to teach Tali to "use her powers for good and not evil."
Thankfully I have seen her use her powers for good in all the mitzvot (good deeds/commandments) she performs with people who need her love and attention. Lately she's even been giving it to her brother. When he gets hurt she hugs him and often runs to get me the ice pack or the band-aide. Looking back I realize she's been doing it for a while. When he was still in the crib I found her sleeping in there with him one night. I moved her back to her bed and the next morning asked her what she was doing in there. "Well Charlie wouldn't stop crying because he missed you. So I climbed in his crib and then he stopped so I just went to sleep."
I am learning that I need to "catch" Tali being a mensch. I am so quick to point out to her when she's done something wrong that many moments of doing something right pass by. I am so proud of her when she is kind to others and I know she is proud of herself when I notice it. It comes naturally to her, which is perhaps why she isn't aware of it as a special gift. Maybe she was given this gift by a higher power, but Richard and I as her parents, have the power to nurture it and help her grow to reach her full potential as a mensch.
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