"Blow out the candle, smell the flower."

This was written quite a few years ago, my son is now 15 and doing very well. We still have moments that require me to keep a cool head, but nothing like how it was. I still hope my words here can help others:

During my senior year of college I had two roommates with whom I still maintain close relationships. One night my roommate Julie and I went out while our roommate Jen stayed in. We got home very late and brought other friends with us. Our friends were being pretty loud and it was hard not to join in the fun. Julie and I would take turns saying, "Sh! Sh! Our roommate is asleep!" Of course eventually Jen woke up and came out to see what was going on. "We're so sorry Jen, "Julie and I said in unison, "We'll be quiet." She managed a half asleep, "That's ok," and went back to bed.

The next morning we were having breakfast and we apologized to her again, but she wasn't angry about being awakened. "It's ok, I kept hearing you and Julie saying, 'Sh sh,' and I knew you were trying to keep it down. It was very sweet that you were making the effort. That's all you can do." I have never forgotten that and I love the way Jen looks at the world. It's very simple. As long as someone is making an effort to be respectful of others, we can't really be angry at them.

I've thought about Jen's attitude a lot recently when it comes to my son. He can go from 0 to 200 in a matter of seconds. He can be happily playing by himself or with a friend and someone might say the wrong thing, or he might miss the ball and his whole world falls apart. Needless to say, it doesn't usually fall apart in an appropriate way, even in public. He might yell and scream, or swear or call someone names. He has a particularly hard time in confined spaces such as airplanes. One such incident took place on our flight home from Mexico yesterday where we had spent seven wonderful days at a resort with my family. The morning we were leaving there was time to go swimming. Charlie had decided that since his bathing suit was completely dry before we left, he wouldn't change out of his trunks for the flight, he wanted to go commando. He was doing great on the plane. He and Tali sat next to each other reading books and playing on electronic devices. The beginning of the end came when Charlie had to go to the bathroom.

He went by himself and when he came back he was in a frenzy. "A stupid lady walked in on me while I had my pants down! It was so embarrassing, that stupid lady! What the hell was wrong with her. Stupid lady! " He would not calm down. What I think made him more embarrassed is that he didn't have any underwear on. 

Charlie's response to situations like this upsets me. It disappoints me. It embarrasses me. It no longer surprises me. I expect it. I've learned how to see through his eyes. When something very unexpected happens that he couldn't foresee happening, he loses it. He's not the only child who reacts this way, but he does react more strongly than many of his peers. 

When we are at home or even in a spacious public place I know what to do. I remove him. I rub his back. Sometimes I hug him. I tell him I understand how frustrating that must have been. I say that even though the lady didn't mean to walk in on him and it was an accident, it was still crummy that it happened and I would have been embarrassed if it happened to me. I help him focus on his breathing using a technique I learned called, "Blow out the candle smell the flower." 

On an airplane when I'm sitting across the aisle from him with my husband and daughter in-between different tactics are required. The goal is simple: curtail his reaction so as not to disturb others. I tell him if he calms down he can have the peanut m&ms I brought him. He slowly calms down. He eats the m&ms, he moves on. I am exhausted. 

In that situation I thought about Jen. I thought about her being there watching me with my challenging son and thinking, "Look at the effort she's making to calm her son down. Sure it's annoying that he's being so loud, but what can she do? At least she's making an effort." I know she would say that, and I wish other people could view things that way. I know it's annoying when you're on a flight or in a crowded room or even at the park and a child is having a tantrum. You can't help but stare disapprovingly. Here's a tip: your stares don't help. Now that parent whom you're staring at not only has to try to defuse a tantrum, they have to feel badly that their child caused a scene.

If your motivation is to judge others or to silently say to yourself, "I'm so glad that's not MY child," then stare away, because clearly it's fulfilling a need that you have. However, if you are the kind of person who thinks, "Wow that must be tough, I wonder what I can do to help that parent and their child," then thank you for asking! Here's a list to get you started and, chances are you can think of other things on your own because you're just that kind of a person:

1. Ignore it- This may not always help but it certainly won't hurt. Continue playing with your kids and do not look in the direction of the child having the tantrum. At the very least you will have a relieved parent who doesn't have to meet your eyes.

2. Offer support - This can be verbal or non-verbal. A knowing look (not a stare) that says "I've been there" even if you haven't, goes a long way. If you're comfortable talking to strangers you might say something like, "Oh, I'm sorry your child is having such a hard time, we've all been there," or "Is there anything I can do to help?"

3. Engage their other child - If there's another child who's behaving perfectly fine and wants the parent's attention they aren't going to get it in that moment. You can approach the parent and say, "Would you like me to have your other child play with us for a few minutes?" You will most likely see relief on that parent's face, just be sure to stay close by so they can still see their child.

It's a short, simple list but may not be an obvious one. Think of the benefits of doing one of these things. You are not only being a kind citizen and supporting the "it takes a village" attitude, but you are setting an example for your own children. You are teaching them kindness and tolerance. When you leave the park consider talking to your child about what happened and why it's important to help others. You really don't know for sure that you won't be that parent in need one day or, that your child won't be that parent! When I was eight years old I began volunteering at a camp for children with special needs. My parents nudged me into it without much explanation but the message was clear: We are a family that helps others. Now here I am decades later with my own special needs child and I realize I've prepared for this role since I was eight.