"Boys Will Be Boys" is an insult to Men!
I've been reading a lot about the rape case on the Stanford Campus, and the brave woman whose name I don't know who is still living her nightmare 18 months later. My heart breaks for her as she tries to put the broken pieces of her spirit back together. While my heart is breaking my body and soul are angry at the justice not done. I am disgusted by the fact that the man responsible never fessed up to what he did, and that his family isn't teaching him to accept responsibility. They have this "boys will be boys" attitude, which to me means he couldn't help himself. Do Brock and his father not realize what an insult that is to men everywhere? I have a long list of men who would be insulted by that and here they are:
1. My brothers, who were not only protective of their sister, but of all girls and women, especially if they saw someone creepy hanging all over them.
2. My father who taught me that I deserved to have men in my life who were worthy of me.
3. My male friends in high school, who were affectionate with me but never expected anything more than the hug I offered them.
4. The guy in my freshman dorm ( I only remember your first name) Jeff. He would go to parties with us and say, "Now if you're talking to a guy and he makes you uncomfortable just wiggle your ear and I'll know to come over."
5. The local fraternity who had guys visiting one weekend from a chapter at another school. At their Saturday night party a guy tried to physically force me to go in a room with him and "lay down because the room was spinning." My girlfriends appeared and we went home. The next day I found out that that chapter wasn't welcome again because of how they had treated many of the women over the weekend.
6. Other college guy friends who would pretend to be our boyfriends when we got into sticky situations.
7. My college ex-boyfriend who I met at a party and was a complete gentleman when we stayed up talking all night.
8. Another male college friend who double dated with me to a formal. After the formal I'd had too much to drink and fell asleep on my couch. My date wanted to stay and tried to kiss me. My friend said, "Leave her alone, I'm taking you home."
9. The guy who helped my girlfriend find me when we were separated at a party. She banged on every door in the fraternity house yelling, "Get off my friend." He backed her up and walked all over the area with her. We were reunited on the front lawn where I was thankfully not in any kind of trouble. That guy walked us home.
10. My sweet nephew who was 17 at the time but acted like a man. He was getting ready to leave a party when he saw a 19 year old tipsy man saying to two girls whom he hardly knew, "I can take you home." The girls looked frightened but also desperate for a ride. My nephew stepped in and said, "That's ok, I'll take them, they're on my way." They weren't on his way but he took them home anyway.
The anonymous rape victim at Stanford had two real men watching out for her that night. Sadly, they didn't arrive in time to prevent her nightmare, but they were able to stop it from continuing, at least physically. I'm sure they would be insulted at this "boys will be boys" attitude. My husband and I are raising a daughter and a son. We teach our son to treat every girl the way he would want his sister or his mother to be treated, just as my husband was told and just as my mother told her sons. We expect him to grow up and not behave like a "boy" but to become a man. We tell our daughter to not only stick with her friends when she goes places, but to listen to her gut when she thinks something might not be right about someone she meets, male or female. At 13 she already does this. We will also have her take self defense. Sometime between now and before they leave the nest we will read to both of them the Stanford rape victim's statement and talk about it at length. We will tell them to watch out for their friends at parties. We already talk to them about not being bystanders if someone is being bullied. It will be an easy transition telling them not to be bystanders if someone is being bothered by unwanted attention. We will also remind our son that even if a a guy is his good friend he needs to intervene if that guy is bothering someone else. He needs to stop his friend if he sees him taking a girl into his room. Protecting others is more important than that friendship. And yes we will talk to them about the dangers of drinking, because in addition to becoming incoherent you can also die of alcohol poisoning. However we will be clear that alcohol doesn't give anyone license to touch you and it doesn't excuse to touch someone else. There is so much to talk about, and so much to teach and learn with our children. It would be easy to assume they are learning and absorbing it without us needing to reinforce it but this would be naive. I don't think Brock Turner's parents are alone in thinking something along the lines of, "Of course he knew how to treat and respect women, we raised him to know that." How many families of young rapists have said that? We often say the best way to teach is to lead by example. However in this case those examples need to include a lot of conversation. Let's come together as communities and share with each other about the conversations we have with our kids. Together we can change a rape culture into a culture that doesn't tolerate excuses!
1. My brothers, who were not only protective of their sister, but of all girls and women, especially if they saw someone creepy hanging all over them.
2. My father who taught me that I deserved to have men in my life who were worthy of me.
3. My male friends in high school, who were affectionate with me but never expected anything more than the hug I offered them.
4. The guy in my freshman dorm ( I only remember your first name) Jeff. He would go to parties with us and say, "Now if you're talking to a guy and he makes you uncomfortable just wiggle your ear and I'll know to come over."
5. The local fraternity who had guys visiting one weekend from a chapter at another school. At their Saturday night party a guy tried to physically force me to go in a room with him and "lay down because the room was spinning." My girlfriends appeared and we went home. The next day I found out that that chapter wasn't welcome again because of how they had treated many of the women over the weekend.
6. Other college guy friends who would pretend to be our boyfriends when we got into sticky situations.
7. My college ex-boyfriend who I met at a party and was a complete gentleman when we stayed up talking all night.
8. Another male college friend who double dated with me to a formal. After the formal I'd had too much to drink and fell asleep on my couch. My date wanted to stay and tried to kiss me. My friend said, "Leave her alone, I'm taking you home."
9. The guy who helped my girlfriend find me when we were separated at a party. She banged on every door in the fraternity house yelling, "Get off my friend." He backed her up and walked all over the area with her. We were reunited on the front lawn where I was thankfully not in any kind of trouble. That guy walked us home.
10. My sweet nephew who was 17 at the time but acted like a man. He was getting ready to leave a party when he saw a 19 year old tipsy man saying to two girls whom he hardly knew, "I can take you home." The girls looked frightened but also desperate for a ride. My nephew stepped in and said, "That's ok, I'll take them, they're on my way." They weren't on his way but he took them home anyway.
The anonymous rape victim at Stanford had two real men watching out for her that night. Sadly, they didn't arrive in time to prevent her nightmare, but they were able to stop it from continuing, at least physically. I'm sure they would be insulted at this "boys will be boys" attitude. My husband and I are raising a daughter and a son. We teach our son to treat every girl the way he would want his sister or his mother to be treated, just as my husband was told and just as my mother told her sons. We expect him to grow up and not behave like a "boy" but to become a man. We tell our daughter to not only stick with her friends when she goes places, but to listen to her gut when she thinks something might not be right about someone she meets, male or female. At 13 she already does this. We will also have her take self defense. Sometime between now and before they leave the nest we will read to both of them the Stanford rape victim's statement and talk about it at length. We will tell them to watch out for their friends at parties. We already talk to them about not being bystanders if someone is being bullied. It will be an easy transition telling them not to be bystanders if someone is being bothered by unwanted attention. We will also remind our son that even if a a guy is his good friend he needs to intervene if that guy is bothering someone else. He needs to stop his friend if he sees him taking a girl into his room. Protecting others is more important than that friendship. And yes we will talk to them about the dangers of drinking, because in addition to becoming incoherent you can also die of alcohol poisoning. However we will be clear that alcohol doesn't give anyone license to touch you and it doesn't excuse to touch someone else. There is so much to talk about, and so much to teach and learn with our children. It would be easy to assume they are learning and absorbing it without us needing to reinforce it but this would be naive. I don't think Brock Turner's parents are alone in thinking something along the lines of, "Of course he knew how to treat and respect women, we raised him to know that." How many families of young rapists have said that? We often say the best way to teach is to lead by example. However in this case those examples need to include a lot of conversation. Let's come together as communities and share with each other about the conversations we have with our kids. Together we can change a rape culture into a culture that doesn't tolerate excuses!
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