working mom 24/7

This was written quite a few years ago, my son is now 15 and doing very well. We still have moments that require me to keep a cool head, but nothing like how it was. I still hope my words here can help others: During my senior year of college I had two roommates with whom I still maintain close relationships. One night my roommate Julie and I went out while our roommate Jen stayed in. We got home very late and brought other friends with us. Our friends were being pretty loud and it was hard not to join in the fun. Julie and I would take turns saying, "Sh! Sh! Our roommate is asleep!" Of course eventually Jen woke up and came out to see what was going on. "We're so sorry Jen, "Julie and I said in unison, "We'll be quiet." She managed a half asleep, "That's ok," and went back to bed. The next morning we were having breakfast and we apologized to her again, but she wasn't angry about being awakened. "It's ok, I kept...

I was about to graduate 8th grade and was at a friend's house when I met the boy who was staying across the street for the summer. He lived in Alaska and was visiting his grandparents. My friend informed me the next day that he was interested in me. I told her she could give him my phone number. We talked on the phone once before going out a few days later. The plan was that my mom would drive us to the movies and his sister would pick us up. We were dropped off early because he told my mom he wanted to surprise me by taking me out to dinner. We got into the restaurant, he looked at the menu and said, "This is too expensive" and we walked out. Popcorn was my dinner. We found our seats and started chatting, he seemed bored by what I was saying. He interrupted me and asked, "What do you like to do when you go to the movies?" I was confused, "What do you mean?" He responded in an accusatory tone, "I mean when you go to the movies do you actually W...

Phone calls in the middle of school days Holding my breath in between them No invitations to birthday parties Having to stay at soccer practice or he can't play Spending the day in the principal's office Begging him to use his words not his body Other kids provoking him to get him in trouble Not making it through a day of day camp Teasing other kids because he has been teased Talking about things that freak other kids out Unwilling to read for 10 minutes Saying he is no good and no one loves him Coming home crying, "I had a bad day and I'm stupid!" Leaving SSTs and IEPS in tears Learning to breathe and count to 10 Walking to school and enjoying it Making new friends Understanding how to have conversations with peers Principals & teachers who have his back and teach him to be kind because they are kind Abandoning soccer and enjoying baseball Kids like having him on their team New families enjoy having him over, "He is polite and swe...

I've been reading a lot about the rape case on the Stanford Campus, and the brave woman whose name I don't know who is still living her nightmare 18 months later. My heart breaks for her as she tries to put the broken pieces of her spirit back together. While my heart is breaking my body and soul are angry at the justice not done.  I am disgusted by the fact that the man responsible never fessed up to what he did, and that his family isn't teaching him to accept responsibility. They have this "boys will be boys" attitude, which to me means he couldn't help himself. Do Brock and his father not realize what an insult that is to men everywhere? I have a long list of men who would be insulted by that and here they are: 1. My brothers, who were not only protective of their sister, but of all girls and women, especially if they saw someone creepy hanging all over them. 2. My father who taught me that I deserved to have men in my life who were worthy of me. 3....

As I watch my daughter's plane take off it sinks in for me how in awe I am of her. At thirteen years old she is so much more self assured than I ever was. This is her second time flying by herself and while she still likes me to walk her to the gate, she's quite comfortable being on her own. This isn't one of those posts where I go on to talk about how amazing my child is, in fact, this is one where there is acceptance about how by most standards she is quite average. She's not a straight A student, if she could find a way to opt out of math and science she would do it in heart beat. Her current goal consists of how she might convince all her teachers that homework isn't nearly as important as sleeping or hanging out with friends. She isn't a super star athlete. She has dabbled in cross country, track, softball and dance and enjoyed them all but never pushed herself to master or even improve in those sports. She has been in some musicals and plays, but is curre...

   "Mommy," Charlie asked a few days ago, "What if I'm sick on Tuesday? Will I still go to camp?" Up to this point all my nine year old had talked about was how excited he was to go away to camp because his dad and I wouldn't be there to tell him what to do. My stomach knotted up when he asked this question. Was this normal pre-camp jitters, or was he "planning" to get sick so that he wouldn't be able to go? Since I wasn't sure I simply answered the question.    "If you feel sick on Tuesday, you will stay home and we will take you to camp when you're feeling better." I held my breath for his response.     "Okay," he said casually, and that was it.  He asked a simple question and wanted an answer that would let him know what he could expect; typical of him. I allowed everything I knew about my son to go out the window when he asked about camp because the truth is: I was anxious. Last summer he wanted to go and Rich...

I am proud of my kids several times a day, every day. This isn't to say that I'm also not disappointed or frustrated with them from time to time, but I am ALWAYS proud of them, here's why: I am proud of my daughter not for the A she brought home on her social studies test, but for her interest in learning about our state, and her willingness to study hard so that she can do her best. I am proud of my son for taking responsibility for hitting another child, and accepting his consequences by spending the day with the principal without once begging not to have to do it and without tears. I am proud of my daughter for  making up with her friend and forgiving the past and moving forward. I am proud of my son for yelling, "I'm frustrated, " when he was angry with me, instead of throwing things across his room. I am proud of my daughter when she makes cards for her cousins who lost their father much too early in their lives. I am proud of my son when he ...

There have always been mean girls. I remember them, my mother remembers them and if my grandmothers were still alive I'm sure they would remember them too. Mean girls usually aren't your friends. As much as it hurts to be one of their targets you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that they have never been your close friends and real friends would never be mean. All of that changed for our daughter Tali on the day her best friends became the mean girls out of nowhere. They had a great time Wednesday afternoon swimming together and then on Thursday one, Andrea, said to the other, Emma,  "Let's play only with each other at recess, not Tali." And so began my daughter's nightmare. When I picked her up from school she hugged me and cried. I wanted to cry too. I approached the girls with their mothers and Emma's mom was quite upset that her daughter was being exclusive. Andrea's  mom said that you can't be forced to play with someone. That was h...

   My children have the wonderful ability to be consistantly inconsistant. Charlie started a new day camp three weeks ago. For the first two and a half weeks at camp I literally had to peal him off of me in front of his counselors before I could walk out the door. Since Tali's camp starts an hour later, we'd often go play at the park on the same campus as his classroom. A few times we ran into his group coming out to sing songs. Every time he saw me he'd wave enthusiastically. I'd blow him a kiss and he'd "catch" it in his hands and put it on his cheek. He seemed so much more grown up than the boy I'd left an hour before.    A couple of weeks ago I took the kids to a BBQ at Charlie's pre-school after camp. Both he and Tali ran around with other kids until dinner was ready. When the food was done I took Charlie with me to fix his plate. He picked out what he wanted while I held it and then we went back to the seat he had chosen next to his friend....

I took the kids to ice-cream tonight after dinner. Charlie ordered his usual: one scoop of choclate on a cone. When it was handed to him he said "thank-you" and went to sit at a table and quietly ate. After a few samples Tali ordered hers and went to sit with Charlie. As the three of us sat enjoying our chosen flavors I looked around the room. There was a woman nursing a newborn while her two pre-schoolers licked their cones. Just beyond them was a family of four whose kids were running around the shop. Charlie noticed a three year old with a handful of paper cups that had been put out for water. She was crumpling them and laughing. "Mommy, why is  that little girl doing that? She's wasting those cups!" Was this really my Charlie talking? "You used to do things like that Charlie." I said. He looked at me with his big eyes, completely shocked. "I did not," he said. "Yes, you did Charlie," I said laughing. Charlie use to c...

 Denial is more than just a river in Egypt. It is a lifeline. I swam in it for a long while until I was forced to climb out of that warm, comforting water.  Every time I think I'm finally dry I discover that I need another towel because I've soaked through the one I'm using. I put my feet in the "water" when Richard and I talked about having children. We knew we wanted at least two, maybe more. I had always worked with children professionally and while Richard hadn't, watching him with our nieces and nephews \ was all the evidence I needed that he'd be a phenominal father. We talked about baby names and birth order.  We discussed how we'd raise them and all the things we admired about the other parents we knew. Since we're both Jewish, we knew spirituality would be part of their lives. We'd expose them to sports,  instruments and help them with their homework. I would be the english tutor and he would handle science and history. We'd g...

Last summer Tali went to sleep-away camp for the first time. I knew it would happen eventually, and I was excited about it. For her. Nothing seemed appealing about not knowing where my daughter was sleeping or what she was doing all day for eight days. A year before she went I brought up the idea of her going away and she melted into sobs saying through her tears, "You mmm-ean I www-on't see you for eee-ight days?" "Never mind sweetie, " I quickly said, "there's no rush, we'll wait until you're ready." At that point I thought we were still years away. The thought of her not ever going entered my mind, but I hoped that wouldn't happen. Richard and I both loved sleep away-camp. We still talk about our respective experiences, and it has always been our dream to send our children. Camp helped us grow up. While our moms stayed up with us the night before counting out the right amount of shirts, underwear and toiletries, once we got on that...

Last month my eight year old daughter, Tali and I had "the talk." I'd been waiting for her to ask me something about the topic for at least a year. Some of her friends had already been told and I wanted to make sure she heard it from me. The opportunity presented itself in an unexpected way. We were watching the Academy Awards. Tali enjoys seeing the pretty actresses in their dresses, but at this moment a clip from the movie,   "The Kids Are Alright" was on our screen. I haven't seen the movie but the plot is about a lesbian couple raising their two children. When the children become teenagers they decide they'd like to find the man who donated his sperm to their moms. In other words, their dad . In the clip being shown the biological father and son were in a car when the son asked him why he donated sperm. He made a joke about it being more fun than donating blood and then said seriously, "I'm glad I did it." I was engrossed in the sce...

A few weeks ago my mother's favorite soap opera, "As the World Turns" went off the air. When I first heard this was happening I was mildly disappointed. Even though I hadn't watched it in years it had been a part of my life since my birth. Mom used to feed me by it and then watch the rest of it while I napped. For her it  went back much further than that. She began watching it in 1956 when it started. She thinks of all the people of Oakdale Illinois as her friends, even the characters whom she doesn't like. My NaNa (grandmother) watched it with her and it was hard for them to distinguish fantasy from the reality. When my brothers and I were old enough to understand this obsession we used to tease my mother that is, when we figured out she was talking about a tv show. Sometimes we'd hear Mom and NaNa talking and mistakenly think they were talking about real people. "Who died?" We'd ask. "Who doesn't know who their real father is? Are yo...

   Everyone told me that my son Charlie wouldn't be at his Bar-Mitzvah in diapers but I didn't believe them. Now here he is, at four and three quarters, years away from learning his Haftorah and we are officially done with diapers and cleaning soiled underwear! Charlie is our youngest and last child so whenever he hits a milestone we know we've moved on to a new phase of parenthood.    It was a long road. When he was three and a half his pre-school teacher trained him to pee pee on the potty. In her brilliance she tapped in to what he loved most: Spiderman. She would say, "Do three Spiderman pushes," and this would coax out his urine. Before long she had him standing up and really going like a little man. I had promised him that when he did go, Spiderman would call him on the phone, and call he did, in the form of my brother, father of two boys and superhero expert, Uncle Randy. Teacher Cat had succeeded where my husband and I had failed. Did we feel slighted? D...

  Ah Valentines Day. The fun holiday during my childhood when it meant homemade Valentines and cookie decorating. The dreaded holiday during college because I never seemed to be attached on February 14th and was either down in the dumps over a break-up or annoyed that all of my friends were with their significant others on that day. I do recall one fun "Anti-Valentines Day Party" where no couples were allowed.   After graduation I ignored the holiday which was easy since I spent my first year as a college graduate in Israel. When I returned as an "official" adult the blackness of that holiday had dissipated and I went on with my life, that is, until I met Richard.   Our first Valentines Day together was in 1998. He came up from LA to visit me for a romantic weekend. I surprised him with a night at a fancy hotel. He gave me a beautiful box shaped like a butterfly. We said "I love you" for the first time. I remember having a meal out and an annoying balloo...

   A little over a year ago I reconnected with an old friend.  I hadn't spoken to him in almost 10 years. We had a misunderstanding before both of us got married and neither of us made a sincere effort to clear it up. Facebook gave us the courage to try to find each other and his first message to me was about his mother's death that had happened three weeks prior. His mom, Linda, was a wonderful woman who had been kind to me throughout our friendship. I recall being at his house for a BBQ and her making sure I had enough to eat since I was a vegetarian. My friend's parents' home was always open to me and to all of his friends. I'd always admired not only how close my friend was to his mother, but how kindly he spoke to her and  never rolled his eyes when she tried to butt in to his life.    After reading his message I burst in to tears. How could I not have known? How could I not have been there for my friend while his mother was dying and his wife was giv...